November 3, 2014 at 2:20 am #16489
Hi Youthspace. I’m here because I REALLY need help. For a few years now I’ve been Facebook stalking my boyfriend’s ex girlfriends. The way I do this is I create fake Facebook accounts and then I try to trick the girls into adding me, or if they don’t I just send them messages from these fake accounts. I tell them they’re horrible or generally just try to make them feel badly. If they successfully add me as a friend, I generally just spy on what they’re doing, look at their photos, etc. It creeps me out so much that I’m doing this – or I wouldn’t be in a help forum writing about this. I tried only one other time reaching out for help on a forum, but the responses were very violent – *. And while yeah I know I’m a pretty bad person to be doing this, that isn’t the helpful response I need. I want to stop hurting others, and I want to stop hurting myself and wasting hours and days of time that I spend doing this!!
So my plea is for any information or resources you can give me. I don’t have money for counselling, and also I think I’d be much too ashamed to speak about this face to face with someone and I wouldn’t go speak to someone. **I need to find out why I’m doing this and how I can stop.** This is my main concern. Is there any books or articles or info you can give me? I can’t find much info online – some articles about the poor people out there who are being stalked, which is good for them to have that info. But nothing I can find to help the actual stalkERS.
Thanks for any help you can give me! I’ll be back to check on this topic.
*Edited by Youthspace for potentially triggering content
November 5, 2014 at 7:31 pm #19252
Welcome to Youthspace (: Thank you for your honesty in sharing your story here. I can imagine that your desperation to change these stalking behaviours has driven you here, and I hope this Forum can be helpful for you.
I get how uncomfortable you are with your Facebook interactions, it sounds like you are deeply ashamed, as this spying and trickery is not in your nature. I can imagine you feel really alone with this struggle! So I’m glad you are here. When you say you are having a hard time changing your behaviour, and that you want to stop spending your time on this I’m wondering if you feel slightly compelled or addicted to this avenue of following/hurting your boyfriend’s ex girlfriends?
One of your main concerns is WHY you are doing this to your boyfriend’s exes. I’m curious if you have thought much about this? And what sort of ideas have come to you thus far.
You’re looking for support in changing this habit, and I’m wondering if you would be interested in trying Email-Counselling? If so, you can email a professional youth counsellor from the EMAIL page on our site. Not only is it free, it’s also not face-to-face which might be more comfortable.
Again, we are here for you Susanne. You are also welcome to Chat in the evenings 6-11pm if you live in Canada. Otherwise, I hope to hear from you soon.
November 5, 2014 at 9:31 pm #19253
Thanks so much for your reply. You’re right, I am so deeply ashamed. I feel totally alone – I can’t tell my friends and family, because I know that although they would probably be supportive to helping me feel better they might (probably would?) also really lost trust and some respect for me. I tell my boyfriend most everything, but this is going on under his nose and he doesn’t know, and I feel like I can’t tell him. I bet it would be really hurtful to find out the girlfriend he trusts is saying really bad things to his exes. So I decided that although I’m too scared to tell him, I HAVE to stop doing this, and by stopping I will be turning this aspect of my life into a more positive direction.
Yes I feel really addicted to continue being in contact with his exes. I actually shut down all 3 of my fake accounts a couple of months ago, and thought that meant they were deleted. But then the addiction took hold a week or so later, and I tried logging in to one of them again and could do it just as if it had never been deactivated. And since then I’ve been doing it without thinking, it’s such a habit and compulsion.
Why am I doing this? I’m not totally sure. On one hand, it’s totally bizarre and confusing behaviour to me. These girls I’ve never even met before – who cares if they were with my boyfriend before? I’ve had boyfriends in the past too, and while I check up on them on Facebook sometimes, I don’t feel obsessive or addicted to checking up on them, and don’t feel the need to communicate with them anymore. But I always have trust issues when I date someone – I can’t understand how they would like me and choose me, and I always think they will cheat if they have the opportunity. So I guess I have really really low self esteem, and part of me wonders what was awesome about these girls that my boyfriend dated – do they have something I don’t have? If they are living really happy lives now I feel envious and wish I could have similar happiness. These are the only feelings I really have worked out. I have the urge to “bring them down”, and I don’t know exactly why. I always feel terrible after I say something nasty to one of them, and I’m sure they don’t feel great either!
I appreciate the offer of Email counselling, and I will take you up on that. Thank you so much for your warm support! I feel like crying. I really really feel like a freak, but I have hope that I can crawl out of this dirty hole and rise up to live among loving people (I don’t know if that makes sense, but that’s how I feel.) Thanks.
November 8, 2014 at 4:00 am #19259
I get the sense you feel very silenced from talking about this with the people in your life, and scared that if your boyfriend or friends/family found out it would shatter the way they see you. I would guess a big part of your stress comes from hiding that part of you from your loved ones, and keeping the secret of what you are doing.
I can hear what an awful realization it’s been for you to know you are capable of hurting people in this way, and to live with the guilt you’re stuck with after the rush of logging in subsides. It sounds like you feel totally out of control now, and don’t know if you have the strength within yourself to stop…and that even when you’ve tried to stop, the compulsion takes over and you find yourself back at it. You’ve used the word ‘addicted’ to describe how tied to the stalking you feel…just a thought, I wonder if there’s any wisdom in general addiction resources that might provide some helpful tools or things to try?
You’re welcome for the support, any time! We’re here when you need an ear (as is the email counselling, you can use both or either/or, it’s totally up to you to switch things up for what’s working best). I hear how much of a freak you are feeling, but I can assure you you’re among friends here
November 8, 2014 at 7:36 pm #19262
I never really thought about the “hiding it from my boyfriend/other loved ones” as being a big part of my stress. For my friends and family I guess it’s not such a big deal – I don’t live with them so I doubt they’d find out, so it’s not so much hiding as just not mentioning it to them. As for my boyfriend though, I guess if I didn’t hide it well enough he could find out. I am terrified by the thought. I think him finding out, how much time I’m wasting doing this (unbelievable amounts of hours), and in general the shock of myself having such a horrible side to myself are my biggest fears/disappointments.
Yes it’s definitely a huge rush when I first log in – I’m so curious what the exes have been up to lately (although I still am not sure why), and when I do send a nasty message at first I feel relieved and satisfied. But then soon afterward I start feeling terrible deep in my stomach, and I imagine if I’ve hurt them I feel really bad. I also feel bad for myself, because this behaviour is really ugly and rotten. After reading your second paragraph and what I just wrote, I suppose it does sound like a real addiction! I’ve never been addicted to drugs or alcohol or anything before, so I guess I didn’t think about it in this way. I will definitely look into general addictions resources, thanks for the idea! I havent heard back from email counselling yet though I know it might take a while, so I’ll keep coming back here to talk until I feel I have the strength to beat this thing. Thank you!!
November 9, 2014 at 3:38 am #19263
Hi Susanne : )
Thank you for the update and the check in. How is the additional resource search going for you?
I love the sentiment that you’ll keep talking until you have the strength to beat this, it’s like you already know your going to make it though. Inspiring!
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